Balance.
When A was born we were given a whole group of statistics, ‘what-if’s and worst case scenarios. It was all quite daunting. As first time parents I think we had a realistic view of what a normal, full-term baby would impart into our lives. There was no way we could emotionally and physically prepare for a premature baby. And yet, A thrived in the NICU. Yes, it took her forever to learn how to drink 45 cc’s of formula but eventually she got the hang of it and we went home a few days later. I remember with absolute trepidation wanting to ask the neonatalogist when he thought A would go home. They initially gave us the estimate of a 5-6 week hospital stay but quickly added that every baby is different. I peppered the nurses with questions about how A was doing and if there was anything else we should be doing to help her.
When we left the NICU we were given more statistics, more worst case scenerios, more things to consider and do to help A have the best start possible. We took our 4 lb, 8 oz baby home and marveled at how beautiful she was and how well she was doing. And while I wanted to lock the door and promptly sterilze our entire house, we let family membrs hold her (after the three minute scrub down, of course), and we eventually took her out in public. It became second nature to understand her reflux and when she would start to get overstimulated in certain situations. The statistics became less and less influential though, secretly, they were always present.
It is amazing to think that almost three years have passed. I am happy to say that A is so very, very normal. It has been hard to not be manic about each and every new situation that we encounter. It took me forever to let a family member keep her overnight. I remember, like a fool, rehearsing each and every detail with my mom as she smiled and said they would be fine.
I want A to be a well-adjusted, kind, and compassionate person. From all reports she is extremely well-adjusted. She already has compassion for others. I want her to embrace new situations and to seek new challenges. I want her to love life and to have balance.
I still fight the urge to protect her in every new situation and I often struggle with letting her expand her horizons. Still, I force myself to say ‘yes’ more often than ‘no’ and to encourage her to try new things. And she gets hurt, even when I’m watching her, but the wounds heal. b is the perfect parenting partner as he loves new challenges and is teaching A to embrace all new things as well.
And I’m going to continue to take baby steps, knowing that A will pull me along.
As a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit RN…I really understood your feelings. So many of our parents often confess the same emotions and feelings to me. It is nice to know that your daughter is doing well..Many people ask me how I could do the job I do..isn’t it sad? But more often than not my job is full of happy moments, sending babies home, reassuring parent’s fears, and the blessing of being able to be such an important part of their child’s life. God Bless you and your family. I just wrote a small blog on a recent study regarding premature babies and their future..Check it out if you have time. I would love to get your point of view. Thanks
Octopus Mom