Sometimes I turn into a whirlwind. The day goes by and I don’t even stop to breathe. My mind is already 3 tasks ahead and running down the mental post-it note that is figuratively taped to my head. I stop to realize I’m starving and that one cannot live on crumbs alone. And then the mental post-it note gets longer – adding things like “must remember to take vitamins tonight, need to start exercising, we’re out of muffins in the freezer, etc”.

And then on other days I actually remember to take a lunch - to really enjoy the day. I come home to a wonderfully prepared dinner. I bowl a 170 in Wii bowling. I actually finish the cookie that was half eaten from yesterday’s meeting. I laugh at the absurdity of America’s Got Talent with my husband. And I hug (oh, how I hug!) my kids.

I forgive myself for adding way too much cinnamon to the apple butter I made this past weekend. I forgive myself for leaving out the homemade wheat rolls overnight.

I scrub the kitchen hardwoods. I leave my laptop at work. I actually spend an hour reading with my eyes open and my concentration still optimal.

And I breathe.

Here is a brief list of a few of the many thoughts in my head.

1. When you ask A what she wants for Christmas this year, she replies ‘a new sippy cup’. Seriously. Everytime. Love that girl.

2. When I watch episodes of House like this one I get a bit anxious. Perhaps it’s the eclampsia part, or maybe the terminal part. Still, good episode.

3. K laughs, rolls across the floor, and sits up now. He is also starting to slide across the floor. Time is moving…far too quickly.

4. I love homemade caramels and the way they deliciously melt on my tongue.

5. Due to the title of this post I now have Dave Matthews Band stuck in my head.

And now I have a bit more room. Thanks.

Last weekend I found a picture of me standing next to a friend. A is between us and I’m guessing she is nearly 15 months at the time. At first glance I didn’t even recognize myself – my hair was a lot longer and my face was very full and swollen. At the time I had no idea that my cholesterol was out of control and that I was still experiencing some of the results of being sick with A. I just thought I was having a really hard time losing the rest of my post-baby weight. In reality, I had a host of health issues that wouldn’t be discovered or resolved for several more months.

I was tempted to promptly throw away the picture and shake the memory out of my head. I’m not someone who typically has crazy body image issues. Yet, going from a person who is somewhat petite to the more swollen version of myself was extremely hard, especially since it happened in such a short time.

Looking back there are not many pictures of me with A, especially in the NICU – when I was at my worst. I remember how I would cringe when someone would ask to take a picture of me. When reviewing the many photos of her as a newborn, infant, and early toddler I notice that there are not very many of me. The sentimental part of me wishes I would have taken more photos, yet part of me is glad that I don’t have many reminders of me during that time in my life.

Even after K was born, I made it a point to not let people see the pictures of me. My blood pressure did go up that day and with the fluids from the IVs, I was more swollen than normal. But I did let people take more photos, knowing that having the option to purge them later on is better than not having any photos at all.

And I kept the photo.